Oh yeah. I am in the middle of cramming my paper and I just felt like writing this. I felt that I needed to get this out of my head. For so many times during these past 6 months in medical school (especially during exam weeks), I’m asking myself this one question: “Why did I choose this?”
To think of it..
I could have just chosen to look for a job right after graduation. Then, I wouldn’t have to put any more burden on my parents’ back.
I could have just chosen to stay at home and worry about nothing except what to wear for my job the next morning. Then, I wouldn’t have to spend much time preparing for our patient encounters the next day.
I could have just chosen to be with my family during dinners, during birthdays, anniversaries, and other celebrations. Then, I wouldn’t have to satisfy myself by just talking to them over the phone. (Oh God, I miss my family)
I could have just chosen to be with my friends on friday nights or weekends, just chatting and talking about random things in life. Then, I wouldn’t have to spend my whole weekend reading books and doing papers for so many hours.
I could have just chosen to look for an easier career, something that I know I could be good on. Or better yet, something that I am confident with. Like, microbiology probably? (based on my undergrad course). Then, I wouldn’t have to face everyday with doubt and fear that I may not be able to do well on my subjects, that I won’t be able to meet the expectations of our preceptors, that I won’t be able to diagnose my patient correctly, AND that I won’t be able to finish what I started.
I could have just chosen many other things, but then if I did..
I wouldn’t be able to see the smiling faces of my patients.
I wouldn’t be able to listen to their stories.
I wouldn’t be able to respond “You’re welcome!” as they say express their gratitude.
I guess, those smiles and thank yous are enough to keep me pushing through med school. Just the thought of being able to touch the patients’ lives even through the smallest way possible makes me more passionate with what I am doing. I know I am still incapable of so many things. I have to study even more and more books. I have to miss more and more family celebrations. I have to get less and less sleep and drink more and more coffee. But I am certain, at least at this point, that I am at the right place. And, this was the right choice. No, scrap that. I think it’s better to say that He, lead me to this path. I am sure He put this desire in my heart for a reason. And that reason, I shall (and I am hoping to) discover somewhere along the way. Not may be today, but pretty sooner.
It’s gonna be a long ride. But certainly, it’ll be all worth it. 🙂
whew. this made me feel better.